Jess May is a civil celebrant whose aim is to pioneer a new approach to how we engage with death through facilitating living funerals, or ‘celebrations of life for the living’. These unconventional end of life occasions may not be for everyone, but Jess believes they allow an opportunity to commemorate your loved one before they pass in a truly unique and respectful way. Our editor chatted to her to find out more…
I lost my beloved dad many years ago and far too soon. One of the things he said has always stayed with me, “Enjoy my funeral, sorry I can’t be there.” An illustration of his famous sense of humour, but it got me thinking, what if he could’ve been there? I was intrigued to find out more and headed to a coffee shop in Hove to meet Jess May, self proclaimed Crazy Diamond Funeral Queen.
When you meet Jess, you are immediately drawn to her warm character and colourful sense of style. She is the very antithesis of the traditional (stern) funeral director and I immediately felt at ease. It is easy to see how others are able to talk to her about the often uncomfortable subject of death. “People always talk to me about death.” She mused, a hazard of the job perhaps, “But I always see a palpable relief when they can freely talk to me, as dying should not be a taboo subject.”
With 11-years working traditional funerals, Jess decided to branch out and pivot her business for people before they die, a celebration for the living. She explained, “There’s been a shift in our culture and I wanted to meet the needs of people who don’t want to have funerals but would quite like to have something. During Covid, there was a restriction and at that time everyone was heartbroken, they were unable to honour their dead as they weren’t allowed to give them a proper send off.
“Once the restrictions were lifted things didn’t return to normal as expected, the economic crisis meant people found themselves in funeral poverty. Respectively, people had been given permission to not have funerals at all because they got through lockdown without them and the social pressure to have them was eliminated.”
Seeing an opportunity to offer an alternative for a fraction of the cost, was an appealing new direction. A living funeral allows you to say goodbye and honour your loved one in a supportive environment and each one is bespoke, depending on the personality and their wishes, “I meet the person for a coffee and we then plan out what the expectations are. It can be an afternoon tea, a drag show or a full on party.”
Part of the service includes a legacy or memory book which is written by Jess and tells the story of the person and the memories shared by their family and friends at the living funeral. “During the life celebration I start with a toast and then people will tell their stories about the loved one. I am there to facilitate conversations between family and friends in a way they perhaps couldn’t on their own.”
In Western culture death and dying is a taboo subject, I speak from experience when I say there is often a desperate need not to discuss it, especially with the person who is terminal for fear of upsetting or unsettling them. What Jess does eliminates those boundaries and allows families to not just focus on the end itself, but the life that went before and all of the wonderful twists and turns that make us who we are.
I wondered if there was a great deal of raw emotion in the celebrations she has facilitated thus far, but she assured me it was quite the opposite, “There are tears of course, but happy tears like the ones you might expect at a wedding. The last celebration I hosted the lady had dementia and her daughter commented on how her eyes lit up while everyone spoke of their fond memories – it was a privilege to be part of so much love and remembrance.”
As you might imagine, Jess’ work has drawn much media attention and she has been part of a subsidiary of Hat Trick Productions YouTube channel ‘People Are Deep’ There are long and short form clips filmed in London a couple of months ago and there are plans to make a full length documentary. She has also appeared as a guest on Radio Sussex and Sunday Morning Live. Is this testament to the changing landscape surrounding conversations about death and the public’s willingness for honest discourse? I would hope so.
It is difficult to put a price on honouring a loved one, but the cost of living crisis prevails for many of us and the average funeral can set you back 5k. Jess’ service costs £1.2k and the memory book written by her lasts forever.
If my dear dad had been able to come to his own funeral, I would’ve hired Jess in a heartbeat. I think had he been able to relive the many fond memories of his more than colouful existence with family and friends, it would have been a blessing for us all to see him experience some last minute joy on his way out.
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